Oh my!

Beautiful people…

I know it’s been long!

BUT, fear not for I have great news….

and I do mean GREAT news.

talesofsubstitution will be made into a new stage play. I have GREAT HOPES for this, and will keep you all updated accordingly.

Until then…

Be sure to follow other teaching-musings-life-loving…at…(drumroll please)…

http://www.thewriteteacherdotcom.wordpress.com

Or, as we affectionately call it, The Write Teacher.

Awesomesauce.

Xo

Ms. Sub

MOON.

A student mooned my colleague and I today.

Where’s the parent accountability for THAT?

(Cause when the principal called, the phone call was screened and ignored.)

xo

Ms. Sub

P.S. Do us a favor and support our friends over at The Write Teacher, and LIKE  their facbeook page. Click here.

MS. MIERDA

Hello beautiful people,

I had an interesting subbing assignment this week, I had to cover middle school ESL classes.

Teaching middle school is hard enough.

SUBBING middle school is even harder.

ESL AT THE MIDDLE SCHOOL LEVEL????? Well, it’s just cruel.

I actually started the day off bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.  Work was going well these week, I was even HAPPY to have an extra school assignment, eager to tackle the day. It was first period, and I was writing my name on the board.  The students were being typical pre-pubescent teenagers, and pretending not to notice or understand that I was attempting to start class.

Finally, I got their attention.

I introduced myself.

They asked me what my name was.

I introduced myself again.

They continued to say things to me, many of them yelling in Spanish and English.

Then, one of the students, we’ll call him Mark, who was sitting in the front row, said:

“Her name is Ms. Mierda.”

MIERDA.

For those of you who still need a translation, MIERDA is the word for SH*T in Spanish.

Yes, you got that right….I was called MS. SH*T by a twelve-year-old at 7:30 am.

What a way to start the day.

xo

Ms. Sub

A Tales of Substitution NOTICE

Hello Beautiful People,

The past few weeks have been rather chaotic.  Yes, I do have that part-time teaching gig. Yes, I am pursuing a variety of writing and arts related projects, and yes, I am still subbing.  As most of you already know, I’m subbing in a different district. A mere two days a week here at there. I subbed today. And my brain is now mush, it is now scrambled eggs, it is, mierda. For those of you who need a translation on mierda, well, I will address that in the next post, (tomorrow). Hopefully bt then, my brain cells will be restored to normal. Hopefully.  I’m also in the process of transferring this blog to tumblr. (I think.)  Any feedback on that will be GREATLY appreciated.

Until then…in the act of shameless self promotion, do be sure to check out “The Write Teacher”, it is more…positive than this rant.

Stay well my friends, stay well.

xo

Ms. Sub 

 

Share the stress….

Hello Beautiful People,

I will keep this short and sweet, so here it goes.

We are interested in sharing your substitute teacher stories! Inquire within about contributions, we’d love to hear from you!

xo

Ms. Sub

The week from hell has a new meaning…

Hello Beautiful People,

I promised I’d update you on the horrendous week I had, and, well, here goes it. As many of you know, I had a student light a pencil on fire.  If this does not ring a bell with you, please refer to our FIRE entry. IN ADDITION to children lighting objects on fire for no apparent reason, I had a student call me a “stupid b##ch” on Monday, and, on Wednesday, I was told, “f%$k you”.

Isn’t that NICE?

AREN’T THEY CHERUBIC?

I’m not going to sit here and rant about my students, that is not my attention.  Children will always lash out, that’s why they’re CHILDREN.

I WILL rant about the reaction that I got from my co-workers:

“Oh, he always calls me that.”

“Oh, he says that all the time.”

“I mean, it’s an “alternative” program, what do you expect?”

WHAT DO I EXPECT?!?!?!?!??!?!?!!?

I’ll tell you what I expect. I expect us to teach them what their parents apparently didn’t.  I expect us to teach them the RIGHT WAY TO TALK TO PEOPLE.  I expect us, to at LEAST TRY to right the wrongs here. That’s what I expect.  I don’t care if I’m teaching in an alternative school, regular school, college…I don’t care if they’re receiving their education in JAIL.  I expect us to educate, and to teach right from wrong.  That’s what I expect, and that is what I will do, despite the eye-rolling I get from those around me.  They’ll ask me why I bother…and do you KNOW WHAT MY RESPONSE WILL BE?

……..because I’m a teacher. 

xo

Ms. Sub

@#$%…@!!…%^#$…

Hello Beautiful People,

Does the title of this post make ANY SENSE? No, not at all. Actually…I guess it makes sense in my head, but I’m too filled with disgust and rage and frustration to even begin to let my fingers do the talking, or typing, or whatever you’d like to call it.

THEREFORE…

I will update you on the Tales of Substitution, TOMORROW.

After I’ve calmed down.

And in the interest of helping fellow writers and friends and projects…doe be sure to LIKE The Write Teacher on Facebook. It’s much more calm than Tales of Subs.

xo

Ms. Sub

FIRE.

Hello Beautiful People…

Just when you think life couldn’t get any more insane…IT DOES, right? Well, just when you think students couldn’t get any more out of control, well, THEY DO!  Allow me to paint the picture for you:

Time: 3:30.

Class: Creative writing

What the students are ACTUALLY supposed to be doing: Listening to an audiobook and following along, while taking notes in their journals.

What the students are REALLY doing: Sleeping, complaining, one was actually following the rules, and, the last one, well, THIS STUDENT DECIDED TO LIGHT THEIR PENCIL ON FIRE AND THROW IT OUT OF THE WINDOW.

NO, I’m not making this up.

Yes, it really happened.

HOW did this happen?  Well, like the old saying goes, I turned my head FOR A SECOND, to print out make up work for ANOTHER STUDENT, and, Student Fire decided to whip out a lighter and see what flame does to a pencil.

Naturally, I bugged out.

As I was going to alert my superior, Student Fire wanted to know why I had to go “tell on him”.

Like, really kid?

YOU’RE EIGHTEEN AND YOU THOUGHT THAT IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA TO LIGHT A PENCIL ON FIRE? WHAT HAPPENED IN YOUR BRAIN THAT MADE YOU THINK THIS WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA? HM????????

So yes, Student Fire, as the responsible adult in the room, I’m going to go “tell on you”. But first, we’re all going to sit here in silence, while you find the words to explain your actions.

 

XO

Ms. Sub 

 

Ramblings.

Hello Lovelies,

Whitney Houston died.

I have to review a million books and write a million reviews.

My EX is, well, currently acting like a teenager going through puberty.

I have to make two entirely new units to correspond with the books for the classes that I actually DO teach.

My brain is essentially mush.

BUT

In the interest of spreading literacy and arts in education and the teachings of wonderful people…

DO check out The Write Teacher on Facebook…and then LIKE it.

You will not be disappointed.

Happy Grammy Night!

Happy Monday!

RIP Whitney…you were a great love.

xo

Ms. Sub

Hi, my name is KINDERGARTEN COP…

Hello Friends,

OH BOY! So much catching up do to! As promised, here is my elementary substituting story.  I’ve been subbing in a different district, to try to perhaps get, oh, I don’t know, a salaried teaching job, health insurance, a stable work situation, you know, the usual.  ANYWAY, this district does not have “permanent substitutes”, they only work with per diems, which means that they can put you ANYWHERE THEY WANT.

And yes, that does include the foreign land of elementary school.

When I got the job request, I figured hey, how bad could it be? They’re just kids, right? I mean, what’s that old saying? “Big kids, big problems, little kids, little problems?” I mean, I teach “juvenile delinquents” and I love it! How hard could second grade be? Piece of cake, right?

WRONG, WRONG, WRONG.

I entered the classroom, and IMMEDIATELY heard the students talking about “how tall” I was, and, naturally, I felt like the giant that landed among the people of Whoville.

I had the students for an hour before they were ushered off to gym.  We read, many books, on the “carpet”.  While on the “carpet”, every single child had a problem:

“He’s touching me!”

“Her foot is on my square!”

“His foot is next to my butt!”

…and so on, and so on.

HOLY F*CKING SH*T HOW DO ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHERS DEAL WITH THIS ON A DAILY BASIS!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?

My students went to gym, and,  I had a brief moment of reprieve.  That moment was interrupted when the PHYSICAL EDUCATION TEACHER rushed into my classroom.

PHYSICAL EDUCATION TEACHER:  Are you subbing for Ms. M?

ME: Yes…yes, I am.

PHYSICAL EDUCATION TEACHER:  Well, this has not happened to me in thirty years.

ME: WHAT hasn’t happened to you in thirty years?

PHYSICAL EDUCATION TEACHER:  Louis, well, he fell, and his tooth was completely extracted, there’s blood everywhere…

ME: You’re kidding, right?

PHYSICAL EDUCATION TEACHER: NO, I wish I was…

ME: I’ll tell you why this happened today, ti’s because I’M THE SUB.

Louis is OK, the dentist says that his tooth with grow in just fine.  Lets fast forward two hours.  The kids were working on an art project that involved scissors.  Yes, I said scissors.  I was talking to one student when I heard a girl yelp, “Ms. Sub! Ken cut his hair!!!!!”

WHAT THE F*CK.

I whipped around, and faced Ken.

Me: DID YOU CUT YOUR HAIR?!?!?!?!??!!?!?!?!

Ken: No….

Me: ARE YOU LYING TO ME?!?!?!??!!

Ken: I’m sorry!

Me: WHY WOULD YOU CUT YOUR HAIR?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Ken: It was only a little!

….

How do you argue with that?

Fast forward to the end of the day:

Jenna and Marissa ask me to go to the bathroom, as they are buddies for the day.  I figure, sure, why not?

Jenna and Marissa come back from the bathroom, and it is nothing short of a hurricane,

Jenna: MS SUB!!!!!

Me: Yes, Jenna?

Jenna: Marissa, she like, LOOKED AT ME when I was going to the bathroom!

Me: Jenna, Marissa is barely three feet tall, I’m sure she couldn’t have been able to see you going to the bathroom.

Jenna: NU-UH!!!! She STOOD on the STALL and LOOKED AT ME GOING TO THE BATHROOM!!!!

Me: Marissa, you cannot LOOK at someone going to the bathroom. Do you understand?

Marissa: Yes ma’am.

Me: Now say you’re sorry to Jenna.

Marissa: I’m sorry, Jenna.

…

I MEAN, I’m just not cut out for this.  I feel like the female version of Arnold Schwarzenegger in the Kindergarten Cop.

I’ve always had the utmost respect for teachers in general, after all, my parents are teachers.  I’ve seen the passion that they’ve devoted to their careers, and I’m proud to be the child of two teachers.  That being said, my parents are high school teachers.  Elementary school teachers are angels on earth. I AM a teacher, and I LOVE CHILDREN, and yet, I couldn’t do it.

I take my hat off to you all.

xo

Ms. Sub