Monthly Archives: January 2011

Ms. L

Allow me to take you to another school for a moment.

My dear friend, Ms. L, is beginning her student teaching.  A process that can sometimes be just as grueling as substituting, except…they don’t pay you any measly wage, you actually are PAYING THEM to do slave labor.


Ms. L started her first week of student teaching last week.  What happens Friday, second period? A young student says,

“Hey Ms. L! Look! I can make my a#$ cheeks slap.”

Oh. My. God. I can’t make this sh%t up.

Welcome to student teaching Ms. L, welcome!!!


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First things first….

Yesterday during first period, I was instructed to play a movie for the class I was covering.  Naturally, I turned off the lights, because it was easier for the students to see the SmartBoard.  Four of the precious athletes in the class decided to take a nap. Asking them to STAY AWAKE falls on deaf ears, so, I just held my tongue.

When the movie was over, I turned on the lights.  I ask you friends, is that SO INSANE? Because the reaction that I got from these lovely four was comparable to me pulling their hair.  The shock! The incredulous stares!


Ms. M! Can’t you just work on the computer with the lights off????

Ms. M! Jesus fucking ch*ist I WAS SLEEPING.

Held my tongue? I almost bit it off I was so appalled…..

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Filed under Home Economics, Naps

Swan Lake meets “Family and Consumer Sciences”

What do you get when you add Frankie + Eddie + Donnie?

Three seventh grade boys…


Running around the home economics room…….dancing like “those people”.




ALL OVER THE ROOM, as the rest of the twenty five seventh graders think that they are just the FUNNIEST people on the planet.  I, on the other hand, wondered what I had done in a previous life to be banished to home economics hell.

One day, I’ll make it to heaven.  Here’s a hoping….

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Filed under Home Economics

Elle Marie

Picture it –

It’s second period.

There’s an in-school conference going on, so my fellow substitute, (Denise), and I are covering a ninth grade class.

There’s a simple assignment for the rowdy bunch – READ. QUIETLY…. and nobody gets hurt. HA.

Do they listen?


And one little cherubic freshman proved to be more of a problem than the rest.

Elle Marie, well, she decided that she was too good to be in class.  She NEEDED to go talk to another teacher in the school. It was an emergency  you see.  So she asked Denise, (who is by far MUCH nicer than I am).  Correction – she didn’t ASK Denise if she could go, she DEMANDED that she was allowed to go.  I then called down to the teacher that Elle Marie NEEDEd to go to, to see if he was avaiable to talk to this lovely student.  He told me to send her down, but to also stress to her that he only had ten minutes, and then she would have to go to class.  I relayed the message, and Elle Marie walked out of the class as Denise was writing her a pass.  Such a sweet, well-manered, lovely child.

Roughly 20 MINUTES LATER….

Mr. P calls, (the teacher who Elle Marie needed to say).  He wants to know when the hell I’m going to send Elle Marie down, cause he needs to go to the conference.  SEND HER DOWN?!?!?!??! I SENT HER DOWN 20 MINUTES AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHERE IS THIS CHILD?


Elle Marie decides to grace us with her presence.  She just waltzes into the class, as if she’s done nothing wrong.  Denise and I tell her to come over to the desk….


Elle Marie, I’m going to give you thirty seconds to tell us why you think we’re upset with you.


WHAT. I didn’t do anything.


REALLY??!?!??! So you were where you were supposed to be?


She glares at us.  And then proceeds to tell us…

I needed to go see another teacher! Ok? So get off my back. You guys need to freaking relax.


Naturally my blood pressure starts to boil. RELAX?!?!?!? DID THIS CHILD JUST TELL TWO ADULTS, TWO EDUCATORS TO RELAX?!?!?!?

Well Elle Marie, just tell us who the other teacher was, and all’s  forgiven..


NO, I don’t have to, and you can’t tell me what to do.  Seriously you people need to chill out.


Again, my blood pressure skyrocketed.  But luckily, the teacher I’m covering walks back into the room.

Ah Mrs. Reenay! I’m so HAPPY to see you.  I have so much to tell you about the work that your students did, and you must be filled in on what Elle Marie accomplished…..:)

Tell me friends, what do YOU do when your blood pressure boils?

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Filed under Awkward, Disrespectful, Education, Teenagers

Pencil in the a&%!

This post, is dedicated to another dear friend of mine, and a fellow substitute, Christina.

Picture it –

Seventh grade spanish class.

8th Period


A male student, Mikey, waltzes into the room.  First thing out of his mouth?

Mikey: “I didn’t take my medicine today – WATCH OUT.”

Christina, (Ms. C): That’s just lovely.

Mikey cannot sit still. He cannot stay in his seat.  He’s up, he’s down, he’s everywhere but where he should be.  Ms. C separates him from the rest of the class.  Somehow, Mikey gets into a tube of sparkles that one of his female classmates has.  Naturally the sparkles are ALL OVER THE FLOOR.  Mikey gets in even more trouble, and then proceeds to drop a pencil on the floor, over and over and over again.  Making that kerplunking sound.

Ms. C makes Mikey now sit by the teacher’s desk, in a last attempt to control Mikey.

Ms. C is helping a student with his classwork.

Picture it – She is standing up, leaning over the students work….and….


Pencil. Pelted. At. Ms. C’s rear end.

Mikey: Hahahahaha I threw a pencil at your butt!!!!! I threw a pencil at your butt!!!!!

Lovely right?

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Ball in your face…?

I’d actually like to dedicate this entry to a very good friend of mine, who also is part of the substitute club.

Schools recently had a long break in December.  It was a lovely time to relax, unwind, and not rise at the crack of dawn.  Yet, sometimes, free time can get rather boring.  Sometimes, if you strive to LIKE what you do, and who you work with, work can be somewhat of a pleasure.  So my friend, we’ll call her Kimberly, well, she was EXCITED to come back to work.

Fast forward to second period….

Another cherubic teenager is once again, not doing what he is supposed to do.  Out of his seat, causing a distraction to his fellow classmates.  Kimberly, well, she asks him to stop. Once, twice, three times. STOP.  So he says fine! I’ll stop…and proceeds to throw the paper ball that he was playing with across the room….

….and it hits her IN THE FACE.  Mere centimeters away from her eye.

She now has a little scratch at the point of contact.  I’d like to call it a battle wound. Now, in the cherubs defense, he was “aiming at the basket”.  But, little child, would you even be in trouble with Kimberly if you hadn’t been goofing off in the first place? No, I think NOT.

Now all you corporate folks out there….does anyone throw anything in your face? Hmmmmm?

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The Chant

I have a sincere admiration for Home and Careers teachers.  Generally speaking, the classes within that discipline tend to be atrocious.  Why? I have absolutely no idea. Anyway….

I was covering for a home economics class, and it was the eighth period of the day.  Already, the time of day was working against me. The students were also in seventh grade. Strike TWO.

They were…rambuncious to say the least.  But alas, that is to be expected from seventh graders.  Anyway, trying to get them to focus was unbelievably difficult.  They had a health test ninth period, on the male and female anatomy parts.  GREAT RIGHT? So some cherubic male student decided to start chanting the body parts, (in an effort to help them study of course).

Students: PENIS!!! PENIS!!!! PENIS!!!!

Myself: Ladies and Gentleman, that’s enough.


Myself: I SAID that’s enough!!!!

What exactly happened to make them stop? THE DEAN OF DISCIPLINE WALKED INTO THE ROOM THEY WERE BEING THAT LOUD. And, for all you un-tenured teachers out there, you know that this is absolutely mortifying, horrible, and just down right humiliating. Thank GOD I was already standing at the front of the room, and trying to quiet them down.  Needless to say, after the Dean left, I was not a happy camper.

Tell me friends, does this remind you of one of your own experiences?

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