Category Archives: Giggle

Hi, my name is KINDERGARTEN COP…

Hello Friends,

OH BOY! So much catching up do to! As promised, here is my elementary substituting story.  I’ve been subbing in a different district, to try to perhaps get, oh, I don’t know, a salaried teaching job, health insurance, a stable work situation, you know, the usual.  ANYWAY, this district does not have “permanent substitutes”, they only work with per diems, which means that they can put you ANYWHERE THEY WANT.

And yes, that does include the foreign land of elementary school.

When I got the job request, I figured hey, how bad could it be? They’re just kids, right? I mean, what’s that old saying? “Big kids, big problems, little kids, little problems?” I mean, I teach “juvenile delinquents” and I love it! How hard could second grade be? Piece of cake, right?

WRONG, WRONG, WRONG.

I entered the classroom, and IMMEDIATELY heard the students talking about “how tall” I was, and, naturally, I felt like the giant that landed among the people of Whoville.

I had the students for an hour before they were ushered off to gym.  We read, many books, on the “carpet”.  While on the “carpet”, every single child had a problem:

“He’s touching me!”

“Her foot is on my square!”

“His foot is next to my butt!”

…and so on, and so on.

HOLY F*CKING SH*T HOW DO ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHERS DEAL WITH THIS ON A DAILY BASIS!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?

My students went to gym, and,  I had a brief moment of reprieve.  That moment was interrupted when the PHYSICAL EDUCATION TEACHER rushed into my classroom.

PHYSICAL EDUCATION TEACHER:  Are you subbing for Ms. M?

ME: Yes…yes, I am.

PHYSICAL EDUCATION TEACHER:  Well, this has not happened to me in thirty years.

ME: WHAT hasn’t happened to you in thirty years?

PHYSICAL EDUCATION TEACHER:  Louis, well, he fell, and his tooth was completely extracted, there’s blood everywhere…

ME: You’re kidding, right?

PHYSICAL EDUCATION TEACHER: NO, I wish I was…

ME: I’ll tell you why this happened today, ti’s because I’M THE SUB.

Louis is OK, the dentist says that his tooth with grow in just fine.  Lets fast forward two hours.  The kids were working on an art project that involved scissors.  Yes, I said scissors.  I was talking to one student when I heard a girl yelp, “Ms. Sub! Ken cut his hair!!!!!”

WHAT THE F*CK.

I whipped around, and faced Ken.

Me: DID YOU CUT YOUR HAIR?!?!?!?!??!!?!?!?!

Ken: No….

Me: ARE YOU LYING TO ME?!?!?!??!!

Ken: I’m sorry!

Me: WHY WOULD YOU CUT YOUR HAIR?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Ken: It was only a little!

….

How do you argue with that?

Fast forward to the end of the day:

Jenna and Marissa ask me to go to the bathroom, as they are buddies for the day.  I figure, sure, why not?

Jenna and Marissa come back from the bathroom, and it is nothing short of a hurricane,

Jenna: MS SUB!!!!!

Me: Yes, Jenna?

Jenna: Marissa, she like, LOOKED AT ME when I was going to the bathroom!

Me: Jenna, Marissa is barely three feet tall, I’m sure she couldn’t have been able to see you going to the bathroom.

Jenna: NU-UH!!!! She STOOD on the STALL and LOOKED AT ME GOING TO THE BATHROOM!!!!

Me: Marissa, you cannot LOOK at someone going to the bathroom. Do you understand?

Marissa: Yes ma’am.

Me: Now say you’re sorry to Jenna.

Marissa: I’m sorry, Jenna.

I MEAN, I’m just not cut out for this.  I feel like the female version of Arnold Schwarzenegger in the Kindergarten Cop.

I’ve always had the utmost respect for teachers in general, after all, my parents are teachers.  I’ve seen the passion that they’ve devoted to their careers, and I’m proud to be the child of two teachers.  That being said, my parents are high school teachers.  Elementary school teachers are angels on earth. I AM a teacher, and I LOVE CHILDREN, and yet, I couldn’t do it.

I take my hat off to you all.

xo

Ms. Sub

 

Leave a comment

Filed under Education, Giggle

I’ve Missed You All!

Howdy folks!

I’ve missed you all! I realize I haven’t written in some time, but that is unfortunately due to my chaotic schedule! Am I STILL SUBBING? Yes.  Am I teaching at all? YES!  Even though it is only part-time, I am teaching, and that is very exciting.   What else have I been doing? Developing another wonderful blog! But, I digress.  Although I’ve been devoted to many other writing projects and jobs, I have made it my mission to update the tales of substituting this month!

Stay tuned to hear about my interactions in….wait for it…drumroll please….AN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL CLASSROOM.  Believe me, you will get a good laugh.

Oy vey.

xo

Ms. Sub

Leave a comment

Filed under Education, Giggle, Inspiration

IT’S COMINGGGGGG (Insert Jaws Theme here)

What’s coming?

SCHOOL.

Alas, it is September 1st, and if your little cherubs are not back in school yet, they will be soon.

For all you teachers out there, “Happy School Year”.

For all you parents out there, “Happy School Year”.

For all you substitutes out there,”180 days and counting”.

 

xo

Ms. Sub

Leave a comment

Filed under Education, Giggle, the future

Giggle Me Silly

In the aftermath, or should I say wrath that was HUrricane Irene, I feel as though we could all use a giggle.

Do check out this delightful page –

Go Guilty Pleasures! 

It is a wonderful little treat.

xo

Ms. Sub

 

 

 

 

 

2 Comments

Filed under Giggle

The Tale of the Sub Who Was Locked Out of the Classroom

I was recently out to dinner with some friends, talking shop.  (Speaking about schools and what we do). One friend reminded me how they too tortured substitutes when they were in high school, (if they decided not to like the sub).  She was reminded of Mrs. Tuck.  They locked Mrs. Tuck out of the classroom once, and she, a substitute, the lowest person on the education totem pole, had to go ask the security guards to let her back in the classroom.

Then they did it again.

And, Mrs. Tuck, for fear of termination and eternal embarrassment by her colleagues, climbed back into the room, via the window.

Oh teenagers and the ways they torture us!

xo

Ms. Sub

Leave a comment

Filed under Education, Giggle, Tales from Districts Beyond

Disaster District Strikes AGAIN

A 35-year-old arts program.

A program that has given countless students an outlet, a new look on life, and, the passion and the drive in the careers that they hold now.

It is a program that was built with love, care, and the type of dedication that people DO NOT HAVE ANYMORE.

And what happens when the Administrative Sharks sink their teeth into the program?

Well, it is very reminiscent of Jaws.

and The Letter of Doom, Gloom, and Utter Insanity…

AND…

 ….We’re DOWN, we’re BLEEDING, and you kick us in the GUT…

Not ONLY did they give the community false hope of keeping the program alive WITH THE BEST CANDIDATE FOR THE POSITION, (in phone conversations, letters, and Board of Education meetings), they also decided to completely bypass the creator of the program, and not involve him the hiring process.  They decided to flex their administrative muscles, and show that, they do not actually have to listen to recommended advice.  Rather than hire the people that would benefit the STUDENTS and THE PROGRAM, they just did whatever made them happy.  Just. For. Shits. AND. GIGGLES.

Can you spell I-D-I-O-T-S? Because dear friends, I don’t believe these sharks can.

xo

Ms. Sub

Leave a comment

Filed under Administrators, Disrespectful, Education, Giggle, Incompetence, the future

The Letter of Doom, Gloom, and UTTER INSANITY

Dear Substitute,
(We use the word substitute because it will take too much ink and money to actually spell out your last name)

It is now August, and we hope your summer was good.  Even though we, as an administration, never acknowledged your hard work all year, left you out of the long list of “thank-you’s” that we gave to the entire faculty AND STAFF of the whole building at the end of the year meeting, we’re writing to you now.

We are writing to you, now, at the beginning of August for a very specific reason.

Even though you have worked for our district for the past three years, even though you have been walked on, and underappreciated, and have been treated as though you are an insignificant fly on the wall of the school, we are mandating that you come in for an interview.

Bring your portfolio. Wear your best shoes. And be prepared to beg for your job back.

It makes us happy to see you squirm.

Yours Truly,


Your Administration

1 Comment

Filed under Administrators, Education, Giggle, Incompetence, the future